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The light in my room is perfect right now and I feel like I think best when the lighting is just right.

I took my dog for a walk this morning and I thought about how much I miss college. An aquiantence of mine wrote this on her Facebook wall about an hour and I guess it's along the lines of how I feel:

"misses college.... going to class, having a purpose, preparing for an event, the people, the dorms.. even friday office hours."

My first year at MNSU, Mankato (my 5th year of college), I remember the first semester how I got up, went to class, came home, made a delicious lunch, usually ended up watching Dr. Phil and Oprah (I got over these shows quickly and realized I was waisting my time) and then went to the rest of my classes, came home and took a long, long nap.

That was it. Life was simple. I also had a job where I worked a couple of hours here and there throughout the week, but I had it really, really easy.

I am now realizing that I, too, miss college, the people, my professors and learning in the classroom. I didn't take advantage of those years like I could have, but I also have to realize that I don't have the same 'go getter' attitude like I do now. I was afraid to do a lot of things...almost as if I needed approval from someone. Mostly, I think half the time I didn't think I was capable enough.

I don't feel like I'm serving much of a purpose these days. Yeah, I'm teach life-saving skills, but I don't get breaks from it that often. And my job requires a lot of "upbeat" attitude. Hard to do that when I barely get to "step away" from it. When do I get a break? Memorial Day weekend, the day of July 4th, Labor Day weekend, Thanksgiving Day and then the week of/after Christmas.

If I want/need time off, I have to find someone to cover my shift.

Vacations really do not exsist for me. My last vacation was May 2009 and it was my parents graduation present to me. We went to Las Vegas, Arizona and Utah. Saw a lot of Mother Nature and I could actually hear myself think. I haven't been able to do that much recently. Lately, I've been forgetting what day it is and weekends don't exsist for me. By that I mean I could have sworn I just taught a group of students yesterday that I'll be teaching today --it's been a week.

Living paycheck to paycheck isn't fun but it's a paycheck, not unemployement. That puts a smile on my face!

Credit card debt, isn't a problem for me, but I rarely buy myself anything anyway. This is one big stressor that is not clinging on my back and thank goodness for that! I guess right there I have it easier than 99 percent of the people in my neighborhood.

I've become exhausted and I feel like I've lost my purpose but I still keep pushing on. Because that is what I have to do.